Entry tags:

ernie, story

Ernie Biggs, The anaemic Vampire

If anyone who's reading this met Ernie before I did the editing, and liked him, then I apologise.
It's just that I got a little more feedback, and decided that the ending needed to be rewritten. Oh. Another thing.
Ernie, I'm sorry if you're not happy with the rewrite.

This one's a bit long...

She came running up the alley without looking where she was going. One of her shoes was missing and her dress was torn in some places. She had a bruise on her face and a hunted look in her eyes.

Her footsteps rang out in the darkness, but a little way behind there was the sound of another set of feet. These were louder, heavier sounds, as if the wearer were wearing heavy boots. The alley ended abruptly, in a blank wall. She stopped by the wall, and looked about desperately for a way to escape. The footsteps drew nearer.

There was only one way out of the alley. There was a fire escape to one side but it was too high for her to reach. Her pursuer could be seen now. He was a young man with fine features, a soft smile in his eyes. He looked at her, and said, "It's okay baby, I won't hurt you. Nowhere to run, let's just have some fun."

Without warning, a figure dropped to the ground in between the two, appearing almost out of nowhere. Putting its hand around her, the apparition jumped out, right onto the ten foot high fire escape. A few more superhuman leaps propelled it to the top of the building.

She was dazed and the shock of just having jumped on top of a building left her feeling weak. She looked at her rescuer. He was a man, or looked like one anyway. He wasn't tall, but seemed just a little more than normal. He wasn't fat either, but was certainly heading to a paunch. He had mild, unfocussed eyes and rather morose hair. It went with his expression, which was one of benevolent bewilderment. All in all, he looked utterly insignificant. Still, at least she was safe.

He smiled, vaguely, and said, "Well, aren't you going to thank me for saving you? At least start by telling me your name."

"Tess," she replied, "but who are you? How, how did you do that? And if you could jump to the top of the building, then I'm sure you could've done something to stop that guy. Why didn't you just do that?"

A worried expression came into his eyes, and he said, "Well, my name, that's easy enough. I'm Ernie. Ernie Biggs. And yeah, I probably could have done something to stop him, but you see, I didn't want to."

Tess stared at him for a second, as if trying to understand what he'd just said, and then shouted, "Didn't want to? What the hell do you mean? That guy was trying to rape me! Listen, if this is some sort of a game to you that's just sick."

"No no no no, you don't understand," Ernie stammered, "It's not that. It's just that I thought it'd be better this way."

In a more normal voice, Tess spoke again, "Well, okay. But how were you able to jump so high anyway?"

Ernie smiled again, a positively angelic smile this time, and said, "That's easy. I can do things like this without any problem. I'm a lot stronger than I look you see. I'm a lot stronger than a lot of people look. You see, I'm a vampire. See, I've got the fangs and everything." He opened his mouth and bared his fangs as he said this, and Tess sprang back, cleared scared by what she saw. There was nowhere to run to but she looked like jumping was still an option.

"Listen," Ernie said, "It's okay. Trust me, I don't do the whole blood drinking stuff. I mean, think about it. It's not as great as it's made out to be. I mean, the sweaty necks, all the kicking and struggling, and the blood isn't tasty either, trust me. Besides, I learned long ago that a vampire doesn't need blood to survive."

Tess stared at him, and in a strangled voice squeaked, "You don't? But if you don't drink blood, what do you survive on?"

"Oh all sorts of stuff really. You see, blood makes us stronger in the short run, but we don't really need it to live. It's kinda like coffee is for humans, an incredible pick-me-up, but an acquired taste. And I never acquired the taste. The thingabout being a vampire is that you really don't need anything to survive. You just do, so long as you stay out of the sun," Ernie replied cheerfully.

"So you don't eat anything?"

"Well, I really liked chocolate when I was human, and I tried having that a few times, but the problem with being a vampire is that you don't have a digestive system anymore. So if I try to eat anything, I puke it out right away. And that just spoils the taste in my mouth, so the only thing I can do now is chew chocolate, then spit it out."

Tess shook her head slowly in amazement, and Ernie continued, "Really, I'm a bit of a vampire outcast. The thing with the blood is only one part of it you see. The others argue that I'm some kind of revenant perhaps, but certainly not a vampire. First off there's the blood thing, and then there's my name. I mean all the other vampires change their names, to something fancy like Vladimir or Angelus, but me, well, I'll always be plain ole Ernie I'm afraid. So none of the other vampires are willing to hang out with me."

"So what do you do all day?" Tess said, not really sure if she wanted to know. Ernie brightened up at this though. It's been a long time since he'd had a conversation with anyone, and no matter how depressing it was to talk about his life after death, he was determined to enjoy himself.

"Well, I actually don't do much all day, what with the fact that sunlight will kill me, but most nights I just hang around buildings like this. I watch to see what's going on, watch TV through the windows or listen to the music coming through the very walls, and feel a part of the families I'm watching over. Today I was just heading out of here, I thought I'd break into the library and read for a while, when I saw you running. And decided to interfere. It looked interesting, you see."

"I'm glad you did," Tess said, "But how do I get out of here. Not that I mind being with you, but I really want to get home now. This has been a lot to take in one night."

"Oh right. Get home," Ernie said, the absent look back in his face. He looked at her, grinned sheepishly, then said, "C'mon now, you don't really wanna go home, do you?" Tess looked at him a little worriedly, and said, "Yes Ernie, I want to go home. Please will you show me how to get down from here?" Ernie gazed into the distance for a second, then shook his head worriedly. He said, "Tess, I don't think that's the best thing to do right now. No. Definitely the wrong thing right now."

Tess felt frightened now, and wondered if Ernie was really some sort of psycho. The teeth... that might just have been some clever dentistry. They had looked very real though. Again, her voice determinedly calm, though with a slightly strangled quality, Tess said, "Ernie, you did a very good thing just now, saving me from that man. Don't you think you should help me down now. I want to go down now."

Ernie looked at her and in a hurt voice said, "Why're you talking like I'm some sort of mental case? You think I'm crazy don't you? You and your calm but firm voice. Straight out of some manual on dealing with psychotics! Do you know how boring you sound?" He was screaming by the end of the sentence.

Really scared now, Tess continued in the same tone, "I'm sorry Ernie, I didn't mean to be boring. Maybe I should just try and find the fire escape. It's probably on that side of the building. Then maybe we can think of something fun to do." She made to move forward after saying this, but stopped, arrested by the look in Ernie's eye.

He'd half turned his face away from her, and she could see only one eye, but it focused clearly on her, and a slight grin was on his face. "So, you want to go down now?" "Yes Ernie I..." she started to reply but the sentence ended in a shriek, a scream and then a thud, as Ernie pushed her body over the side of the building.

He looked over the side, at her broken body on the pavement, a pool of blood spreading around it, and smiled beatifically. "You wanted to go down," he said, in a gleeful voice.

Softly humming a tune, he wandered off through town. It already seemed like an interesting town.

More adventures of Ernie Biggs will follow, if I get any positive feedback.